The Academy Awards 2011 -- high contrast competition

There were two teams fighting it out on the Academy Awards red carpet Sunday afternoon: Team Pale and Team Red. Points were scored by both teams, but Team Pale dominated the field, in spite of the penalties racked up by Nicole Kidman and Melissa Leo.

On another note, the Hair Brassiere was not in play, since most of the Class A players are going short. It looks like players in the big show don't need any extra padding in their helmets.  Or on their chests.

Here's a recap of the game:


Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection:  Look at My Butt, Not at My Bustle.  Team Red started the game when nominee Jennifer came out in a super minimal look.  Can't say  I was knocked out by the dress, but I was impressed by Jennifer's ability to wear it without showing lumps or bumps, which, I think, is the point of  minimalist fashion:

 

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchesa: She's 14, She's Beautiful, and She's Wearing Marchesa.  Have I told y'all how much I love tea length full skirts?  Well I do, and the length alone makes this dress for me.  Otherwise it's a bit bland, especially compared to the bangin' Prada dress she wore to the SAG awards. I would have preferred this dress a shade darker, or a different color -- yellow, maybe, with gold embroidery? -- just to have her stand out from the crowd of other pale pink dresses.

Anne Hathaway in vintage Valentino Couture: Red Gone Wrong.  Squished boobs, frumpy bustle, and matchin lipstick.  All no-nos in my book.  I wonder if the pregnant Rachel Zoe did her styling for Anne's multi-dress Oscar extravaganza?  If so, that's going to make one hellava episode of the Rachel Zoe project.

Mandy Moore in Monique L'Hullier: Wake Me Up When It's Over.  Mandy's dress looks like a bad version of Hailee Seinfeld's Marquesa; not terrible, just blah, which may be worse. 

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang: F*ck You, Jesse James and the Ho You Rode In On.  Finally, a dress by a wedding gown designer that doesn't look bridal.  In fact, Sandra's hot look is pure Jessica Rabbit.  I love the two-layer bodice, although there's some obvious pull over the thighs.  What was it with all the hobble skirts this year?  Anyhoo, go Sandy!!

Florence Welch in Valentino Haute Couture: Are Those My Mother's Curtains?  Haute couture is wasted on Florence because she can't sell a look.   Head up, shoulders back, and some chicken cutlets for your bra, girl!  There is no slouching in high fashion! 

Jennifer Hudson in Versace: She Didn't Get the Minimalist Memo.  These big ole taffeta numbers are looking rather dated, aren't they?  A simple column would have shown off Jennifer's great new figure better, and wouldn't have abused her bosom the way this gown does.

Michele Williams in Chanel Couture: She Got the Memo.  I almost really love this dress, probably because I like the idea of formal t-shirt dresses.  However, the center seam and the transparency annoy me.

Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott: Christmas in February.  Some people really liked Penelope's dress, but I think it looks like a Christmas tree skirt you could pick up at the Dollar Store.  She also needs more support.  Sorry, I seem to be fixated on bosoms today, but it's hard to ignore them when they're unleashed en masse.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere: We've Seen This Before.  Servicable, but not exciting.

Halle Berry in Marchesa: Reining in the Crazy.  We've seen many variations on Halle's dress, but at least she doesn't look like a hooker or a crazy, bitter, separated single mother.  She'd better be careful -- nasty custody fights can make a girl ugly.

Celine Dion in Armani Prive: She got the Minimalist Memo too.  I think Celine's dress would have been really great if it had been let out a half inch on either side.  As it is, it looks like Celine is trying too hard to show off her post-twins figure, and she got stuck with a hobble skirt.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Almost Perfect.  If Gwynie had just left off that weird little brooch at the waistline (more Christmas!),  this would have been my favorite look.  Le sigh.

Melissa Leo in Marc Bower: There Are No Words.  Oh, yeah, maybe there are.  Will "lace tablecloth"  do?  Or better "lace tablecloth on the Starship Enterprise."  Oy, that collar!

Nicole Kidman:  WTF?  Ah, the beautiful Nicole Kidman:  when she gets it right, she gets it very, very right (I still love that chartreuse Dior she wore, lo those many years ago), and when she gets it wrong, boy howdy, it is SO wrong (that gold spangled Tom Ford for YSL flapper dress, mercy!).  Her 2011 Oscar gown has to be filed under WRONG.  It's another table cloth.  A used wrinkled cotton tablecloth turned into an ill-fitting dress that probably cost as much as a BMW X3.   Oh, Nicole!

Sorry for the exclamation-mark abuse.  Stay tuned for more Oscar Madness.