What SHOULD Tilda Swinton wear.

La Swinton at the 2011 Golden Globes

 Oh my children, I finally know what I want to do when I grow up,  or maybe I should say I finally know the first item on my bucket list, because, damn, I'm old: I want to be Tilda Swinton's stylist.  I reached this conclusion after seeing what she wore to the Golden Globes, which, while Swinton, was rather blandly Swinton, and worse, was very similar to something Kate Bosworth wore in December.  That twain should never meet, even sartorially.

As her stylist, I could save Swinton from similar embarassments, and I'd scour the collections for spectacularly Swinton-esque looks, which shouldn't be too hard now that minimalism has made a comeback.  And I promise I'd resist any urge to dress her in chain mail and have her make her entrance on a white charger, except for the occassional photo call at the Cannes Film Festival.  Anyhoo, here are some looks I picked out from the recent collections that I think are totally Swinton i.e., guaranteed to make the fashion police stutter and bleed from their eyesockets.

Two pieces: I actually like the idea of formal separates, similar to those Swinton wore at the Golden Globes, but the following looks just offer MORE:

Alexis Mabile Spring 2011

Helmut Lang Pre-Fall 2011

Giambattista Valli Spring 2011

Theyskens Theory Spring 2011 (I'm very glad Olivier Theyskens is back!)

All of these looks emphasize Swinton's height and androgeny, and all of them are just different enough to puzzle, if not down-right dismay, red-carpet watchers.  Can you imagine what they'd say about the Alexis Mabile look, that combines a man's button-down shirt with a wreath of bows over the wearer's lady-parts?  ("She ought to make up her mind!  Is she going to the office or to a strip-club?")  Or that bright, bright yellow Giambattista Valli outfit?  ("Oh my gawd, I thought the fire-department had arrived!")  Hee hee hee!

Minimalism:  Swinton often wears very stark outfits that stand out in the usual sea of fussy dresses.  Lucky for her (and me, as her fantasy stylist), minimalism is a current trend, even though most celebrities haven't gotten the memo yet. Here are a few looks  just perfect for very tall, angular ladies:

Calvin Klein Pre-Fall 2011

Narcisco Rodriguez Pre-Fall 2011

Reed Krakoff Pre-Fall 2011

Zero + Maria Cornejo Pre-Fall 2011

There's no way someone like, say, Sophia Vergara or Eva Longoria or any of the ordinary run of T & A celebrities would appear in these rather monastic outfits. Thus, these looks are perfect for La Swinton.  No pandering to the baser instincts for her!  But for those lighter moments, some minimalist designs come in bright colors and blinding prints:

Proenza-Schouler Pre-Fall 2011

Vena Cava Spring 2011

Etro Spring 2011

Christopher Kane Resort 2011 (a tie-died jumpsuit, double whammy!)

Duro Olowu Spring 2011

I lurve that pink Proenza Schouler dress, although it might be more Mila Kunis (who has the potential to be fabulously unconventional) than Swinton, although a change in the shoe might push the outfit Swinton-ward.  The rust Vena Cava dress looks like something Isadora Duncan would wear for a performance, and I somehow feel that Duncan and Swinton are kindred spirits, although I'm sure Swinton would never wear an extra-long scarf while riding in an open car.  As for the rest -- well, we know how the Fashion Police hate prints on the red carpet, and the resulting moaning and gnashing of teeth would completely justify the wearing of one of these boldly, uh, bold garments. But for something completely different, there's . . .

Goth:   Swinton wears a lot of black, but I don't think she's ever gone completely Goth.  It's about time she tried it.

Nicole Miller Pre-Fall 2011 (actually La Swinton has worn something similar to this dress, but I like the Miller version, so it's here.)

Nina Ricci Pre-Fall 2011 (sometimes a girl just has to break out the ruffles.)

Yoji Yamamoto Spring 2011 (absolutely to be worn with the combat boots.)

HA!  Take THAT, short girls in red and emerald green!

The Maximal Dress:  There's a scene in the movie Orlando, where Swinton appears as the newly-female Orlando wearing a powdered wig and big-skirted 18th century dress. Then, dressed like Marie Antoinette, she runs through a maze to escape an importunate suitor.  It's one of my favorite scenes in a clothes-erific movie. (If I were a clothes designer, I'd do a collection based on Orlando, which starts in the Elizabethan era and ends in the 1920s.)  Swinton deserves a big dress moment on the red carpet to shame the usual crowd of train-dragging midget divas and drive them into the shadows where they belong.  Behold!!!

Alexis Mabile Fall 2010 Couture ("give me your leather, take from me, my lace . . ."  Please, any available diety, never let me see Don Henley in lace.)

Lavin Spring 2010

Victor & Rolf Spring 2010 (you want a white moment?  THIS is a white moment.)

 

Christian Dior Fall 2010 Couture

I would exercise my stylist's perogative to have the one shouldered gowns remade with two shoulders (that Lavin would look better with a regular T-shirt top anyhoo) and I'd see to it that Swinton was surrounded by minions to clear the way while she made her way down the red carpet like a three-masted ship in full sale.  Stand back and make way for the major MAJOR dress!

The Valkerie Moment:  Okay, I said I'd resist putting La Swinton in chain mail, but alas, I am but a weak woman, and sometimes mere clothing is Not Enough.  Luckily, there are designers willing to put a woman in the armour she deserves.  Cue the Wagner!

I really, really, really like this look.  Period.

All three looks, Gareth Pugh Spring 2011 (if I were directing a futuristic sci-fi movie, I'd so hire Gareth Pugh as the designer.  I can pay no higher compliment.)

Because if anyone could drag Ryan Seacrest into Valhalla, that person is Tilda Swinton.