Thursday, November 12, 2009

Anatomy of a Fashion Fantasy


This picture of Lady Gaga, wearing designer granny panties and a lace bag over her head, was all over the fashion blogs last week, only to be superseded by photos of fellow performance-dresser Lily Allen at the something-or-other awards. Some people loved the Gaga look, some people hated it, and I wondered, again, why people go all fashion police over clothing worn by pop/rock/country stars. Music types aren't supposed to dress like civilians, and when they feel pressured to attempt fashion, they turn into ridiculous frumps. Witness the red carpet at the recent CMA awards.

Anyhoo . . . Lady Gaga is Dada, she's supposed to look absurd. What's more, even a five-year-old knows that her look is all self-promotion. So, as far as I'm concerned, screw her, her critics, her Marc Jacob's undies and her towering Alexander McQueen clodhoppers, but please, save those fantastic tights . . .

I love hose, I wear hose, I think hose flatters all legs, but particularly those of a woman-of-a-certain age who can't spend days out of every week being waxed, tanned and buffed in order to go bare-legged even in the middle of winter, in other words, me. And seeing these tights, I had an immediate vision of the outfit they should be worn with and the woman who would wear it:

The look starts with a late 40's/early 50's style nip-waist suit in a pale gray, cream or mauve:

Vintage Vogue Pattern

Alberta Ferretti Pre-Fall 2009

Christian Dior Pre-Fall 2009

Yves Saint Laurent Pre-Fall 2009

. . . worn over nothing more than a whisper of silk . . .

La Perla chemise

. . . and a spritz or two of Diorissimo.

Add a pair of pale peep-toe platform shoes (blending the color of tights and shoes lengthens the leg, doncha know):

Alexander McQueen

Heel-height doesn't matter here because the woman wearing this outfit (we'll call her Lady GeeBee) won't be walking. She'll be driven everywhere, in her BMW 760li (eco-pass attached). If the pavement is wet, or there's even a hint of snow on the ground, her chauffeur/bodyguard, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Daniel Craig that had his ears pinned back at the appropriate age, will carry her to the entrance. And yes, it's okay to wear hose under peep-toe shoes.

A fabulous bag is also required:

Gucci Croissette Bag

Dior Demi Lune Bag

Not that this woman will ever need to do anything as vulgar as carry money. Her extremely competent personal assistant, who accompanies her almost everywhere, and who bears a remarkable resemblance to James McAvoy, attends to all that, like one of the Queen of England's minions. (Although you can be sure that Lady GeeBee checks her bank statements religiously.)

Of course, Lady GeeBee never leaves the house without some elegant, understated, jewelry,

Tiffany Keys

(Damn, those Tiffany keys are sexy. I think I must have one. Time to unload an heirloom or two and trade up.)

Add a silver fox stole (vintage, of course, so Mr. Fluffy isn't sacrificed to vanity, but so Grandpa Fluffy's sacrifice doesn't go to waste), lest an unruly breeze disturb Her Serenity.

One last accessory -- a first-class ticket to New York, London, Paris, or Rome, somewhere said outfit can be appreciated.

The chauffeur and P.A. travel coach.

Back to reality: I was unsuccessful in finding Lady Gaga's tights for sale online, although a Google search for fishnet hose certainly brought me to the most interesting sites. The result of the search for "nip waist suit" was more interesting (translation: smuttier) still. Hello, Gods of the Intardwebs, this is a (mostly) FASHION fantasy I'm having! I'll let y'all know when I'm having the other kind.

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