It's always Award Season or Fashion Week somewhere.

Last month I became totally overwhelmed by both the onslaught of awards shows (the SAG awards being broadcast before I was even half-way through kvetching about the Golden Globe's) and the arrival of Fashion Week month, and I decided to put aside blogging in favor of learning Italian with the help of Rosetta Stone and a book entitled Easy Italian. Rosetta Stone Italian Volume One covers shopping, and it has me learning to ask for the location of the hardware store. Hardware store? A woman shopping in Italy? Really? How about something more, um, realistic, for example: Voglio scarpe nuove. Dov'è il negozio di Gucci? (I want new shoes. Where is the Gucci store?) or Quanto costa il vestito Dolce e Gabbana? (How much does the Dolce & Gabbana dress cost?). Remarkably, Volume One doesn't cover food, but I'm sure I can learn how to say "I'd like a double chocolate gelato with whipped cream, please," before I touch down in Naples later this year.

Anyhoo, back to clothes. I actually watch the Independent Spirit Awards show because they're often very funny and I was expecting great things when I heard that Eddie Izzard was hosting. Unfortunately, Izzard chose to show up wearing the most boring men's clothing imaginable (I like the cross-dressing Izzard. When he shows up wearing a black jacket and jeans it's like he again was given the choice between cake, or death, and chose death. Cake, please.) And, unfortunately, unlike last year (was it last year? eh, they're all the same) when Mickey Rourke went looney on the podium, there were no wackadoodle speeches. There were, however, some interesting outfits. Accordingly, my independent opinion awards:

The Nominees for the Best in Basic Black are:

Carey Mulligan

Gabourey Sidibe

Johnny Weir

Tom Ford

The Fug Girls have really gone after Carey Mulligan because of her rather dowdy red carpet looks and, I believe, because she couldn't possibly look as good in real life as she did in her award-winning film, An Education. They may hate what she wore at the Spirit Awards because it features a couple of things they hate, to wit, transparent lace panels (boy howdy, remember Britney at the Grammy's?), and ornaments that point to the wearer's lady parts. But I like this look a lot. It's young, it's leather, it's perfect for the event. Good on you, Carey.

I share the Gabourey Sidibe love. She's so charming that even if her dress wasn't cool, she'd make it so. But the dress is cool -- check out the diagonal overlapping tiers on the skirt -- and also perfect for the event. She deserves the love.

Men should always wear black with a big helping of white. There's Johnny Weir being his fabulous self in what might possibly be the most fabulous white shirt EVAH. (Note to Olympic Judges: I don't give a flying quad about jumps; give awards for music and costumes already.)

And there's Tom Ford wearing the hell out of a classic black suit, but then, he's Tom Motherf*cking Ford. The day he doesn't look good is the day I lose my faith in style.

The Nominees for the Project Runway Challenge Awards are:

Mia Wasikowska

Mia's dress was the winner of the tissue and toilet paper challenge. The tights are the winner of the let's-make-thin-legs-look-stumpy challenge.

Dana Delany

Dana's dress is from the Sunday NYT Magazine and Mini Signal Flag challenge. Some poor schmuck got auf'd for this.

The Nominees for the Oh Honey, No, Even Black Won't Save These Award award are:

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Mariah Carey

Mena Suvari

Maggie and Mariah should have swapped dresses. Even in a scoop neck and side slit, Maggie would never look like she's trying too hard to be sexy, and Mariah has the stuff to hold up droopy draping. Instead, Maggie looks like a skinny boy playing Romans and Cartheginians (and losing), and Mariah looks desperate.

As for Mena -- WTF?!? just about covers it . . .

And still to come, THE OSCARS!!!!