The Academy Awards 2011 -- high contrast competition

There were two teams fighting it out on the Academy Awards red carpet Sunday afternoon: Team Pale and Team Red. Points were scored by both teams, but Team Pale dominated the field, in spite of the penalties racked up by Nicole Kidman and Melissa Leo.

On another note, the Hair Brassiere was not in play, since most of the Class A players are going short. It looks like players in the big show don't need any extra padding in their helmets.  Or on their chests.

Here's a recap of the game:


Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection:  Look at My Butt, Not at My Bustle.  Team Red started the game when nominee Jennifer came out in a super minimal look.  Can't say  I was knocked out by the dress, but I was impressed by Jennifer's ability to wear it without showing lumps or bumps, which, I think, is the point of  minimalist fashion:

 

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchesa: She's 14, She's Beautiful, and She's Wearing Marchesa.  Have I told y'all how much I love tea length full skirts?  Well I do, and the length alone makes this dress for me.  Otherwise it's a bit bland, especially compared to the bangin' Prada dress she wore to the SAG awards. I would have preferred this dress a shade darker, or a different color -- yellow, maybe, with gold embroidery? -- just to have her stand out from the crowd of other pale pink dresses.

Anne Hathaway in vintage Valentino Couture: Red Gone Wrong.  Squished boobs, frumpy bustle, and matchin lipstick.  All no-nos in my book.  I wonder if the pregnant Rachel Zoe did her styling for Anne's multi-dress Oscar extravaganza?  If so, that's going to make one hellava episode of the Rachel Zoe project.

Mandy Moore in Monique L'Hullier: Wake Me Up When It's Over.  Mandy's dress looks like a bad version of Hailee Seinfeld's Marquesa; not terrible, just blah, which may be worse. 

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang: F*ck You, Jesse James and the Ho You Rode In On.  Finally, a dress by a wedding gown designer that doesn't look bridal.  In fact, Sandra's hot look is pure Jessica Rabbit.  I love the two-layer bodice, although there's some obvious pull over the thighs.  What was it with all the hobble skirts this year?  Anyhoo, go Sandy!!

Florence Welch in Valentino Haute Couture: Are Those My Mother's Curtains?  Haute couture is wasted on Florence because she can't sell a look.   Head up, shoulders back, and some chicken cutlets for your bra, girl!  There is no slouching in high fashion! 

Jennifer Hudson in Versace: She Didn't Get the Minimalist Memo.  These big ole taffeta numbers are looking rather dated, aren't they?  A simple column would have shown off Jennifer's great new figure better, and wouldn't have abused her bosom the way this gown does.

Michele Williams in Chanel Couture: She Got the Memo.  I almost really love this dress, probably because I like the idea of formal t-shirt dresses.  However, the center seam and the transparency annoy me.

Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott: Christmas in February.  Some people really liked Penelope's dress, but I think it looks like a Christmas tree skirt you could pick up at the Dollar Store.  She also needs more support.  Sorry, I seem to be fixated on bosoms today, but it's hard to ignore them when they're unleashed en masse.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere: We've Seen This Before.  Servicable, but not exciting.

Halle Berry in Marchesa: Reining in the Crazy.  We've seen many variations on Halle's dress, but at least she doesn't look like a hooker or a crazy, bitter, separated single mother.  She'd better be careful -- nasty custody fights can make a girl ugly.

Celine Dion in Armani Prive: She got the Minimalist Memo too.  I think Celine's dress would have been really great if it had been let out a half inch on either side.  As it is, it looks like Celine is trying too hard to show off her post-twins figure, and she got stuck with a hobble skirt.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Almost Perfect.  If Gwynie had just left off that weird little brooch at the waistline (more Christmas!),  this would have been my favorite look.  Le sigh.

Melissa Leo in Marc Bower: There Are No Words.  Oh, yeah, maybe there are.  Will "lace tablecloth"  do?  Or better "lace tablecloth on the Starship Enterprise."  Oy, that collar!

Nicole Kidman:  WTF?  Ah, the beautiful Nicole Kidman:  when she gets it right, she gets it very, very right (I still love that chartreuse Dior she wore, lo those many years ago), and when she gets it wrong, boy howdy, it is SO wrong (that gold spangled Tom Ford for YSL flapper dress, mercy!).  Her 2011 Oscar gown has to be filed under WRONG.  It's another table cloth.  A used wrinkled cotton tablecloth turned into an ill-fitting dress that probably cost as much as a BMW X3.   Oh, Nicole!

Sorry for the exclamation-mark abuse.  Stay tuned for more Oscar Madness.

Trends I don't like -- the Hair Brassiere

So I'm sitting here watching (sort of) E!'s Countdown to the Red Carpet, wishing some fashion guerilla would tackle Giuliana Rancic and shave her head, then force her to eat an In & Out Burger Double-Double.  I'm also bracing myself for the hair extension abuse that certain stars and celebusluts inflict on their viewers.  Look at these examples from the Grammy awards:

Miley Cyrus at the Grammy Awards

Jennifer Lopez at the Grammys

They look like they're in bad Lady Godiva costumes, that is, they have the hair AND a dress.  In Miley's case, she in fact may have been using her hair extensions to maintain her modesty, because she was falling out of her dress.  Fake hair is no substitute for clothing.  But other red carpet regulars are wearing their extra-long extensions swept forward over their bodices, and those extensions are often so loaded with product they look like the hair was glued to the dress.  So tacky, so Jersey Shore (is that redundant?), not to mention an insult to the dress.  For heaven's sake ladies, PUT UP YOUR HAIR, or better, CUT IT.

Oh. The Grammys. Right.

Rihanna

So I attempted to watch the Grammys red carpet show yesterday -- I got as far as Lady Gaga's appearance in her egg, and I turned it off.  Girlfriend soooooooo needs to get over herself.  And there's something wrong about an event where the women appear dressed in cracked out couture and the men appear dressed in early thriftstore.  Why bother with the parlor line-up for this event?  There's no rock-n-roll fashion any more, country stars are trying too hard to wear capital F fashion (even though you can still tell they're country singers from a mile away), and all the R & B stars are trying to compete with Rihanna.  Rihanna, btw, won the OMG, She Naked! award, so everyone else should have just stayed home, especially all those people who show up everywhere, like Kim Kardasian and Snooki.  Eva Longoria?  Why was she there?  Heidi Klum?  Where was Seal? What a cluster fug.

Complaints on record; just let me say that Jennifer Hudson looked great, although I think she might be messing with her face a bit, WHICH SHE SHOULD NOT DO; don't know how much it cost Kathy Griffin to get her current body, but it was worth every penny (like the dress, too); and someone needs to get Giuliana Rancic a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, STAT!

And that's enough of that.

Fresh Squeezed

There's not much color in the Fall 2011 collections so far, but what color there is, is orange, ranging from tomato-soup to rust to full-on Sunkist orange.  Looks good with all that black.

Costello Tagliapietra Fall 2011

Cynthia Rowley Fall 2011

Jill Stuart 2011

Rachel Zoe Fall 2011

Threeasfour Fall 2011 

Victoria Beckham Fall 2011

I guess if you can't sit by the fire, you might as well wear it!

Another opening, another show

Guess what!!! Another month of Fashion Weeks is upon us.  Seems like just yesterday we were (or maybe just I was) looking at the Pre-Fall collections.  Well now it's full-on Fall 2011 in Fashionland.  The New York shows are first, and the first collections are usually from smaller and and more avant garde houses.  These are the collections that set the trends, and the trends this season are: covered-up (sleeves, yeaaa!!!), grunge (flannel, yea?), and unisex.  Lots of pants and longer skirts, few dresses, no glamour and noooooooooo sex.  Oh, what will our red carpet divas and celebri-sluts wear?  With not a princess moment in sight, will Rachel Zoe really go bananas?  Doubtful -- there's always going to be some sequin queen out there sewing up the usual, but boy, I'd pay good money to see some gal appear on the red carpet in flannel. 

Here's a sampling.  You can see complete collections at Style.com.

BCBG Max Azria

Christian Siriano

Jennie Kayne

Luca Luca

Lyn Devon

Norma Kamali

Peter Som

Rachel Comey

Richard Chai Love

Ruffian

Steve Allan

Tess Giberson -- I WANT this sweater.

Tim Hamilton

Wayne

Wes Gordon

These designs, while not necessarily flattering, look cuddly and warm.  Were the New York designers influenced by the snowy weather, or is flesh just out of fashion?

Shopping alert

Mark Jacobs lace dress available at MyTheresa.com

SAG-related shopping alert.  You can buy this retro lace dress, worn by Helena Bonham Carter in a half-hearted attempt at normality, for a mere E4910, which is about $6,000.00 American.  I'd say save some money and buy this variation on the theme by Proenza Schouler,

Proenza Schouler dress at MyTheresa.com

which I think would be more flattering and is a mere E1398.  Or you could save lots and lots and lots of money and get this lace dress,

Well-mannered Minx Dress at modcloth.com



which is possibly more flattering than both of the high-priced choices above, and is currently on sale for $132. Ah, bargain hunting. It's a good thing.