Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Golden Globes -- Hollywood goes to the Prom.

The Golden Globes, Hollywood's Number 2 award show, was held last night. As usual, I turned on the E! Network red carpet show -- and I didn't watch more than 45 minutes, including bathroom and cookie breaks of the show. In an effort not to offend the red carpet celebrities, E! has eliminated all of its entertaining interviewers. Oh, did I love it when Kathy Griffith asked the celebs what they thought about Dakota Fanning entering rehab? I did. did I love it when Isaac Mizrahi grabbed Scarlett Johanssen's boob? Oh, you BETCHA!!!. Now E! now has the most bland robot hosts covering the show. They're so inoffensive, I find them offensive. And if this were a dictatorship, and I were Minister of Culture, I'd have Ryan Seacrest shipped to a re-education camp ASAP.

I wound up viewing the clothes (which is all I care about; I can't actually imagine watching an actual awards show) online. I saw lots of women wearing big formal dresses, and big very "done" hair, all giving off a very Prom vibe. Other trends -- lots of white, lots of draped or ruched goddess dresses (very flattering on the mature actresses -- Meryl Streep, you ROCKED), lots of bosom (make the Golden Globes pun of your choice), lots of heavy makeup. Mostly, the stars looked boringly nice, leaving me thankful for those who didn't look so nice.

Well, except, perhaps for Jeremy Irons. You see, I remember Jeremy when he was young and hot, and to see him not only looking like 25 miles of bad road but wearing his granny's nightshirt just reminds me that time is flying. By supersonic jet, apparently.

The girl wearing the dress that looks like it was trimmed with kleenex is Rinko Kikuchi. I have no idea what her credits as an actress are, but she's already been fugged twice for her, um, daring fashion choices. The dress she's wearing is Chanel, and I'm betting that she's going to be on the top of everyone's worst-dress list, Chanel notwithstanding, and I bet she won't care. At least I hope she doesn't, now that Bjork and Bai Ling seem to have gone underground. We need SOME entertainment.

The only vintage on the runway, as far as I know, was worn by Renee Zellweger. It's vintage Dior, which looked better from some angles than others. In the photo I posted, the dress looks like it's pulling right across her hips in the critical crotchal area. How small could this dress be, if it's tight on the ultra thin Renee Zellweger? I will give her credit for wearing a deep color though -- if the super pale Renee also wore white she'd look like the fog descending.

Speaking of fog -- Cameron Diaz gets both the Toilet-paper Cozy and the Damn, Girl, Do You Have Enough Makeup On? awards for this event. The Fug Girls blame her choice of dress and maquillage on her recent breakup with Justin Timberlake. I think she might be going for the lead in The Vampire Bride. However, while Cameron doesn't look nearly as cute as she did at the People's Choice Award, she didn't fall as far from cute as Vanessa Williams did. Talk about the curse of the Prom dress!

I posted the picture of Donald Trump and his Plastic Bride because, well, their karma will prevent them from ever looking really good. However, if the Miss USA contest should fail under the weight of its mini-scandals, Melania can always become the poster girl for The Botox Babes. On the other hand, maybe Melania was turned to stone when Sharon Stone glared at her. I don't know who or what Sharon was glaring at, but I'm sure he, she, or it did not escape that glare unscathed.

The Third Mrs. Trump could give Naomi Watts a few tips about support, too. Naomi's strapless dress looks like it's being held up by her arms, which she has to keep tightly clamped to her body all evening to avoid major nipple slippage. The slippage problem is yet another reason why I hate strapless dresses.

Then, there can be too much support, as demonstrated by the gunmetal gray elastic bands holding up the Golden Globes of Svetlana Metkina. Well, I guess she figured she didn't get a lot of exposure from her part in Bobby, so she'd just have to expose her own darn self. And she did. At least, being Russian, I assume she handled the relatively chilly California evening better than some of the native actresses did.

The woman in the red and black dress probably should be spared criticism because she's not a nominee, she's a spouse, Mrs. Jason Lee to be precise. But dang, her dress is just . . . peculiar. It looks like the offspring of some unholy mating of Speedo and Versace.

And last, but never ever ever least, we have J-Lo wearing a tablecloth. Marriage has not been good for her wardrobe. Whatever. She'll forever be the lady who gave us Glow perfume, Gigli , and Bennifer.

The Fug Girls had a wonderful time with the Globes -- check them out. Style.com also has great photos of the red carpet arrivals, including credits for the dresses.

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