Thursday, September 02, 2010

And I forgot . . .

Elizabeth Moss in Donna Karan

Eva Longoria in Robert Rodriguez

Another item in my list of red carpet pet peeves -- trains.  Trains work on women getting married in a cathedral or being presented to the Queen.  Trains do not work on women who are dragging them up a filthy red carpet crowded with people and video equipment, (I saw film of Wanda Sykes stomping on someone's train, and I'm certain that wasn't the only train-related crisis) and who have a one-in-five chance of having to drag the damn thing up a steep flight of steps to accept an award.  Dresses with trains look downright ridiculous photographed outside on a hot sunny Los Angeles afternoon in front of a backdrop studded with commercial logos.

Now I actually think Elizabeth Moss, wearing her pink Donna Karan, looks terrific (although I not a fan of flesh-colored fabric), but she'd look just as good if she weren't dragging that extraneous hunk of fabric around.  Eva Longoria looks good too, and she'd look just as good if the gown were simply floor-length.  The occassion simply doesn't call for a cathedral-worth garment.

And that leads to yet another pet peeve -- occasion inappropriate dresses.

 Dianna Angron in Carolina Herrera

Dianna Angron is a beautiful girl wearing a beautiful dress that is totally wasted in the commercial glare of the Emmys red carpet.  All that romance should be saved for a New Year's eve gala in Vienna, or some other occasion where the skirts will swirl during the dancing and the pink lace won't clash with the background.  Red carpets need something with edge and contrast, and princess moments should be saved for princess venues.  (Sorry Rachel Zoe!  And a princess moment on Cameron Diaz?  No.  Just, no.)

So, let's see, my expanded list of red carpet no-nos includes: trains, flesh-colored (aka nude), navy, or bridal-white fabric, strapless or one-shouldered bodices, mermaid or flamenco silhouettes, occasion- or age- inappropriate dresses and Christina Hendrick's and Heidi Klum's poitrines.  If this were a drinking game I'd be out cold half-way through the next red carpet extravaganza.

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