And I forgot . . .

Elizabeth Moss in Donna Karan

Eva Longoria in Robert Rodriguez

Another item in my list of red carpet pet peeves -- trains.  Trains work on women getting married in a cathedral or being presented to the Queen.  Trains do not work on women who are dragging them up a filthy red carpet crowded with people and video equipment, (I saw film of Wanda Sykes stomping on someone's train, and I'm certain that wasn't the only train-related crisis) and who have a one-in-five chance of having to drag the damn thing up a steep flight of steps to accept an award.  Dresses with trains look downright ridiculous photographed outside on a hot sunny Los Angeles afternoon in front of a backdrop studded with commercial logos.

Now I actually think Elizabeth Moss, wearing her pink Donna Karan, looks terrific (although I not a fan of flesh-colored fabric), but she'd look just as good if she weren't dragging that extraneous hunk of fabric around.  Eva Longoria looks good too, and she'd look just as good if the gown were simply floor-length.  The occassion simply doesn't call for a cathedral-worth garment.

And that leads to yet another pet peeve -- occasion inappropriate dresses.

 Dianna Angron in Carolina Herrera

Dianna Angron is a beautiful girl wearing a beautiful dress that is totally wasted in the commercial glare of the Emmys red carpet.  All that romance should be saved for a New Year's eve gala in Vienna, or some other occasion where the skirts will swirl during the dancing and the pink lace won't clash with the background.  Red carpets need something with edge and contrast, and princess moments should be saved for princess venues.  (Sorry Rachel Zoe!  And a princess moment on Cameron Diaz?  No.  Just, no.)

So, let's see, my expanded list of red carpet no-nos includes: trains, flesh-colored (aka nude), navy, or bridal-white fabric, strapless or one-shouldered bodices, mermaid or flamenco silhouettes, occasion- or age- inappropriate dresses and Christina Hendrick's and Heidi Klum's poitrines.  If this were a drinking game I'd be out cold half-way through the next red carpet extravaganza.

In the Navy.

Jayma Mays in Burberry

Jaimie Alexander in Nicole Miller

Kathy Griffin in Oscar de la Renta

Padma Lakshmi in Carolina Herrera

Jane Krakowski in Escada

Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta

Ariel Winter

Here's the ladies in Navy arranged, more or less, in order of volume and in order of preference.  My favorite dress is Jaimie Alexander's (I had to look her up on IMDB, and I still don't know why she was at the Emmys) because (1) it's not strapless, (2) it's not a mermaid gown, (3) she couldn't do the flamenco in it, and (4) LESS. IS. MORE.  Dayum.

I also like Jayma Mays look because it's simple, and I have to give props to Kathy Griffin for buying her own dress.  Bless.  The rest of the ladies in this row need to reconsider.  And there's nothing new about navy blue on the red carpet -- it was all over the Oscars, also in distressingly similar-looking dresses.

Well, I've got something else to add to my list of things I don't want to see on the red carpet again: navy blue.  To go along with strapless, one-shoulder, mermaid, white, and flamenco dresses.  Good luck to me, eh?

Emmys 2010: they pay stylists for this?

So.  Kim Kardashian was the best dressed woman on the Red Carpet.  It truly is the End of Days.

January Jones wearing breast plates and cellophane.  Honey, don't hate yourself because you're beautiful.

Heidi Klum -- short, tight and shiny.  WHAT a surpise!!!

Ariel Winter (really?), got lost on her way to the Prom.  In 1986.

Christina Hendricks looking like the madame of a Virginia City cathouse, and the drapes of a Virgina City cathouse, and the couch of a Virginia City cathouse . . .

Jewel, wearing Granny's doilies.

Naya Rivera, who borrowed a costume from a dinner theater production of West Side Story.

If you haven't guessed, I did not like what most of the women wore to the Emmy Awards.  Most of the gowns looked alike -- bloated, over-decorated, decorated and navy blue (the navy blue brigade deserves a separate post, if I have the energy to write it).  And to think, most of these women paid a stylist to choose a dress, and those stylists all picked the same, damn, dress.  I think the actresses could have done better if they browsed the collections at style.com, identified the trends (yoo hoo, minimalism is the latest thing -- look into it), and spent the afternoon shopping at Nordstrom.  Or got the costume designer on their shows to pick out something for them.  OR ANYTHING.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Emmys, Schmemmys

So I turned on E!'s barely watchable Emmy Red Carpet coverage (since E!'s decided to clean up its pre-show coverage by getting rid of every vaguely interesting host, the shows get worse with every award), and I looked at Yahoo's and Style.com's red carpet slideshows, and I came to this conclusion:

People dressed in satin ballgowns, major bling or black tie in the middle of a hot, sunny, Los Angeles afternoon look RIDICULOUS. Ah has spoken.

I am sick to death of ill-fitting strapless gowns, one shoulder gowns, wrinkled satin gowns, flesh-colored gowns, adult prom dresses and faux wedding gowns.

Here are a few dresses I liked, including, in spite of myself, a couple of one-shouldered items.

Mila Kunis in Monique L'Hullier

Jennifer Carpenter in Zuhair Murad

Kristin Chenoweth in Zuhair Murad

Holly Hunter in Georges Hobeika

Chloe Sevigny in Isaac Mizrahi

There are some definite themes here: light, shiny, and Zuhair Murad, who was unknown to me. Must check out his shows, because, like Rainman and ravens, I like shiiiiny. My favorite dress, though, was the Monique L'Hullier worn by Mila Kunis: it's kinda Goth, kinda pink (Goth dried-blood pink),kinda different, and not, thank the fashion gods, satin. Good work, Mila!

The Emmys: Whatever

The Emmy Awards were broadcast last Sunday, and I actually managed to sit through E!’s entire, entirely boring, red carpet show. I never thought I say this, but boy, do I miss Joan and Melissa. And Isaac Mizrahi, and Kathy Griffin, and anyone who isn’t that boring waxworks homunculus omni-host Ryan Seacrest. Those shows only really work when spiced with snark. But speaking of Kathy Griffin:

Kathy Griffin

It’s bad enough that her dress looked like it was made out of Grandma’s drapes, but look at the hem!!!! It looks like someone needed to shorten it in a hell of a hurry and used glue, or else the dress was REALLY made from drapes and someone forgot to take the weights out of the hem.

If a Project Runway designer sent a dress down the runway finished like that s/he'd be sliced and diced by Nina Garcia and then auf'd. So who let Kathy out of the house that way?

As for the rest of the fashion parade, I didn’t see anyone dressed ridiculously, but I didn’t love the same things that the Fashion Police and the voting public loved, and I liked some things that a lot of commentators hated. I attribute this difference of opinion to my ability to rise above the rabble and independently apply my own innate good taste, not to mention that my inner crotchety old maid more and more dictates how I view clothes.

For example, most people raved about Brooke Shield’s fuschia Badgely Mischka dress and Heidi Klum’s sparkly Armani Privé number.

Brook Shields in Badgely Mischka

Heidi Klum in Armani Prive

I think the Badgely Mischka dress is a bit too young, too prom, and too fussy, and I don’t like asymmetry in clothing , even in Armani, so even though Brooke and Heidi don’t look bad by any means, I just can’t get excited about their looks.

Christina Applegate in Reem Acra

My favorite look was Christina Applegate in a Reem Acra gown, which surprised me because I often think Reem Acra’s dresses are too bridal (she started as a wedding gown designer) and, having just said I don’t like asymmetry, this dress is asymmetrical. One of E!’s fashion police thought the look was too old for her, so maybe it’s the crotchety old maid who likes the way Christina looks. Maybe I’m giving Christina points for being a cancer survivor, at any rate, I like it.

Then I liked, or at least didn’t hate, some looks the Fashion Police and other so-called experts absolutely loathed.

Mary-Louise Parker in Roberto Cavalli

Emilie De Ravin in Matthew Williamson

Poor Mary-Louise Parker; she took a lot of criticism for her Roberto Cavalli gown. I'm not crazy about the color, but the gown is basically a slip dress with a little bit of ruching. Considering some of the hot messes Robert Cavalli produces, this garment is downright restrained. Mary-Louise has the body for it, too. So why all the hating?

I also rather liked the Mathew Williamson gown worn by Emilie de Ravin. The dress had a lovely classical look, flowed nicely when she walked, and it was, at least, not another damn strapless mermaid gown. The Fashion Police worked themselves into a tizzy over the sparkly trim. In spite of urging women to take fashion risks, the clothes critics are awfully intolerant of those who do.

Vanessa Williams in Kevan Hall

I haven’t made up my mind about Vanessa William’s Kevan Hall dress; I like the print, it’s different, but that rhinestone strip annoys me.

Whatever.

You can see Emmy Red Carpet photos at Yahoo TV and Style.com.