Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Red carpet fantasies

Erin, aka Ms Adressaday asked her readers to comment on the Oscar fashions and to describe the Oscar dress of their dreams. Considering the reply I wrote there was long enough to qualify as a blog entry itself, and because I have been neglecting this, my own forum for musing about things sartorial, I thought I’d transplant that over here, polish it a bit more and fix the spelling and links, too.

Forgive me my run-on sentences as I occasionally forgive others.

As for the Red Carpet fashions: whence the blooming onion on Charlize Theron’s shoulder? The drapes suspended from J-Lo’s already prominent behind? Well, my children, apparently 50's style structural drama is back. J-Lo's dress was a vintage Jean Desses, which only showed that she should avoid any clothes drama that involves her rear -- it's dramatic enough, don't you think? Charlise' dress just went to prove that after years of designing slip dresses, Galliano has a way to go before he can match the real Christian Dior's knack for sculpture.

In general, though, the 2006 Oscar dresses were boring, although I quite liked Kiera's, and I absolutely lust after the vintage Bulgari necklace she wore. The necklace was too old for her, but it's just right for me. One of the few advantages of age is the ability to carry off jewelry originally designed for the jet-set equivalent of a dowager duchess

About my fantasy dress: assuming we're in the realm of total fantasy, and I got to grow 6 inches, lose 20 lbs and be an honest 20-years younger, I'd SO wear that red dress I pictured, a genuine example of 50's sculptural extravagance in clothing. If the person sitting behind me couldn't see the stage, well, to hell with him!

If I were required to go to the Oscars as my real self, but I had acquired some wealth from the project that got me there, I'd get a dress from Chado Ralph Rucci's couture collection. That way, even if I wasn't the best looking woman on the red carpet, I could take comfort in the fact that my dress, its silk woven by Buddhist's nuns from the platinum webs of virgin spiders and sewn on solid gold machines, cost as much as the adjusted gross of at least three of the Best Picture nominees. (Of course, I'd be all like "Ralph, could you put sleeves on that for me?")

Assuming I had to go as my entirely short, round, middle-aged, poor self, I'd borrow money and go looking for some Jackie-era vintage, which is entirely suitable for a short, round, etc. Something like this. Look at that color! Flesh colored dresses should be banned from the red carpet; they make the stars all look like they belong to a race of vampires.

Um, yes, I do spend way too much time fantasizing about My Oscar Dress, and I do absolutely nothing that would ever cause me to need one.

By the way, if you go to Vogue's website, Style.com you can see pictures accompanied by designer attribution. Handy when picking out your own dress, y'know?

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