Almost Miss Universe

Lo and behold, Tara Connor, Miss USA, actually wore the dress designed for Project Runway's second episode challenge by designer Kayne Gillaspie. Kayne is, in fact, a professional pagent designer who owns a store called Southern Charm in Norman, Oklahoma. Miss Connor is a former Miss Kentucky.

What would happen to the great Red State tradition of pagents, I wonder, if the great Red State agenda of getting rid of gay men is successful? Who will design the gowns, choreograph the dances, apply the makeup, do the hair of all those pretty Red State girls?

Straight men won't. But all is not lost; those same straight men will just stand those pretty gals naked on a slave block, the way the great Red State God intended.

Ahem. Not to mention Amen. Tara asked the Project Runway gang to design a gown that was more red carpet than pagent, and that didn't wasn't too low cut. She wanted the judges to see her, rather than . . . her, I guess, and perhaps she thought she'd stand out by injecting a little class into the meat market, um, contest. She guessed wrong.

The title of Miss Universe was won by Miss Puerto Rico, Zuleyka Rivera, who was wearing a dress made out of metal chains and perhaps designed by the winner of Project Runway Latino's hardware store challenge. The judges certainly saw her coming. But perhaps I'm too cynical and it wasn't Miss Rivera's impressive rack that carried the day, but her outstanding use of lip liner.


Miss USA was only awarded the title, if you can call it that, of fourth runner-up. But she needn't despair. I'm sure many a good red-blooded Red State male noticed her fine taste in casual wear (and corresponding skill in wrapping herself in the flag), and will be willing to make her his wife, to have as long as she signs a prenup and to hold until his mid-life crisis.

And if that doesn't work out, there's a pole waiting for her at Ed's Fantasy Girls. She's already got the bikini and the moves.