Ahhh . . . Mad Men . . .

Last night was the season premier of Mad Men, one of TV's best clothes shows. The stories ain't bad, either. You can read a synopsis of the episode here.

And after one episode, I:

1) Hate Betty even more than I hated her last season;

2) Love Betty's new mother-in-law;

3) Can't decide whether Don Draper's blind date was played by a lousy actress or the character was supposed to be that phony;

4) Still wonder what the hell the other senior partners in Don's advertising firm do;

5) Still wonder how Sally, Betty the bitch's daughter, will act out when the time comes? (Are you going to San Francisco, baby? Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair: clothes optional.)

6) Want to see some Mod fashion;

7) Want to see more Joan;

8) Don't want to see some ho riding Don Draper (Jon Hamm) like he was a rocking horse while slapping him around; I want to do it my own damn self.

Carry on . . .

The rich and famous travel different from you and me . . .

The Fug Girls recently posted this picture of Victoria Beckham in an airport, just off a plane and looking like she had just stepped from her dressing room after 8 hours of sleep and 2 hours of intense grooming. (Her new figure, sans ridiculous breast implants, is incredibly chic, no?) Anyhoo, Jessica attributed her remarkably fresh appearance upon deplaning to some kind of uniquely "Posh" magic. But based on my experience, I think that, as in most things, being rich and famous goes a long way way toward allowing one to rise above the messy and uncomfortable.

About a month ago I was waiting in line at customs in the glamorous Newark Airport. I had just flown in from Munich, an eight hour flight in economy class on a packed Airbus (a uniquely uncomfortably aircraft). It was 95 degrees in Newark. I felt like crap, no doubt I looked like crap in my wrinkled, bland-as-possible middle-aged lady traveling uniform. The people around me also looked tired, wrinkled, and crabby -- except one, who stood head and shoulders above the crowd and whose golden head gleamed in the florescent airport light. It was Gwyneth Paltrow.

Her hair, worn up in a topknot of curls, looked like it had just been done and her skin glowed (fyi, she's prettier in person). There wasn't a wrinkle in her striped oxford shirt. As she walked away I could see that she was wearing grey skinny jeans, the kind that make me think "yeast infection," although I'm sure that the pH balance of Ms. Divinely Macrobiotic Paltrow is never disturbed by anything as common as tight pants. I couldn't see her shoes, but they had to have very high heels because I'm not exagerating when I say that Gwyneth stood a head taller than everyone around her, and according to IMDB, she's only 5'8" tall. (Me? Well, I was wearing loose flat sandals over elastic stockings to counteract the effect of eight hours of economy immobility.) Gwyneth may have been carrying a handbag (her minions, who must have flown economy as well based on their appearances, had closed in by that point) but she certainly wasn't schlepping assorted roller bags and trying to juggle passports and paper like the rest of us peasants in line.

What's the lesson in all this? Just that all it takes is enough money to afford a first class ticket, hairdressers, facialists, nutritionists, what ever you call those people who do colonics, designer clothing, minions and more minions, and you could look hot getting off a plane, too. No magic involved. Easy.

And speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, one of the best TV moments of the year was on The Real Housewives of New York, when Kelly Bensimmon, in the middle of her meltdown, screamed at Bethenny Frankel: "Why would you attack my friend Gwyneth?" And Bethenny replied, "Gwyneth who?" Yeah, Bethenny couldn't believe that Kelly knew her either . . .

Dior Cruise Shanghai 2010 -- Think Pink!

Dior's Cruise 2010 collection -- shown in Shanghai, where women can still afford to wear Dior -- is chock full of looks that press my fashion buttons: retro, minimalist, ladylike, ruffles and pink, pink, pink. OMG, there was even an evening dress with SLEEVES.

According to Style.com (where you can see the whole collection), John Galliano's inspiration was French New Wave cinema, which explains the Bardo-esque (or Shrimpton-esque) hair on the models. Except for some exhuberant evening looks, Galliano reigned in the runway crazy, so a woman could easily pick out outfits she would wear -- or would wear if she were 20 years younger and 10 lbs. lighter.

Some of these garments reminded me of clothes I actually wore way back when. I had a red dress much like the pink one with the white collar and placket. And when I was very young, my mother took me to a rummage sale in the basement of Blessed Sacrament Church, where she bought two ruffled organdy prom dresses that looked a whole lot like that pink ruffled explosion in the last picture posted here. My best friend and I spent a summer dressed up like Scarlett O'Hara at the barbeque. Ah, good times. Now if I could only win some lottery and get that black leather jacket . . .

The Alex McCord Syndrome at the MetGala

Alex McCord of the Real Housewives of New York City

I'm so glad that women got the right to vote before reality television took over the world. If those male legislators voting on the 19th Amendment saw all the bimbos, gold diggers, sluts and just generally self-absorbed and selfish females who currently behave badly in public for fame and fortune, they might have voted to have American women locked away in harems instead.

I mostly have a hate-hate relationship with Bravo TV's Housewives series. I keep dropping in the last season of The Real Housewives of Orange County because the previews kept hinting that something really, really bad was going to happen to one or more of those silicon-stuffed, gold-plated idiots, and I really, really wanted to see someone get the karmic smackdown she deserved. Didn't happen -- and indeed, what could happen to a person like that unmannered clueless "Christian" wife I call Boobies McDuckface?

I never watched TRH of Atlanta or TRH of New Jersey because the mysogynist producers at Bravo made the bad worse by throwing ethnic stereotypes into the bimbo mix. Urgh. But I've always watched TRHNYC because the women of the cast are smarter and dress better. This season is particularly fascinating because the Housewives, while dressing better than ever, have gone totally batshit crazy.

Thin blonde Housewife Alex McCord is a formerly minor player in the series who has finally found her voice by trying to tell off Jill Zarin, who is loud, self centered, and really needs to be told off, repeatedly. Alex hasn't been very successful because Jill has the six-foot Countless Luanne DeLesseps running interference for her, but I give her credit for trying. She's now my favorite Housewife.

Anyhoo, while browsing the Style.com photos from this year's MetGala I mistook any number of blondes with big foreheads for Alex. Have all those hours of TV crap finally gotten to me, or do some people need to fire their stylists?

Amber Valetta in RM by Roland Mouret

Love the cut and color of this dress, hate the shoes. Amber could use slightly darker lipstick and some powder on her forehead. That forehead glare is blinding.

January Jones in Yves Saint Laurent

In her Mad Men incarnation, January Jones looks like Grace Kelly. For some reason, in real life she'd rather look like Alex McCord. Why?

Kristen Bell in Diane von Furstenberg

Another blonde -- they all look alike to me, especially when they're wearing ill-fitting strapless dresses. Damn, Kristen's bodice looks like it's about to make a run for the border.

Lauren Santo Domingo in Proenza Schouler

Nice dress, and she's working the lipstick. There's still an hint of Alex, though.

Why Were They There?

As usual, the Oscar's red carpet was full of people whose connection with the nominees, or the film industry, or even this century, is tenuous, at best. These people are generally presenters who also serve as the red carpet equivalent of seat fillers. The presenters and random attendees dress up and walk when the superstars don't, or won't. Note, we didn't see Oprah dragging her train up the damp red carpet.

Nicole Richie in Reem Acra. Her husband was deejaying at some Oscar event or other. Hey, it got her out of the house.


Molly Ringwald in Todd Thomas. I have long been a Molly Ringwald fan, and that's really long considering that I haven't seen anything she's made since 1994. Her dress is great, her jewelry is even greater. But she was at the Academy Awards for a tribute to the late director John Hughes. John Hughes gets a tribute? Really? Hey, I like Pretty in Pink too, but it ain't exactly Roshomon.

Mariska Hargitay in Vera Wang. She looks fine, but like, who cares? I don't know why she was there, unless it was to wear a dress that looked just like . . .

. . . Kristen Stewart's Monique Lhuillier gown, which in turn was awfully similar to . . .

. . . Giuliana Rancic's Gustavo Cadile creation.

Let's do some trend spotting, shall we? Strapless, draped, fitted to the hip, all hell breaking loose from the hip down, blue. These three got the style memo for the evening, but it didn't make them interesting.

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham. According to some TV report or other, Kristen (who's claim to fame, as far as I'm concerned, is being in the most boring vampire movie of all time) and Miley were invited to the Academy Awards to attract a younger audience. Miley's fans probably aren't old enough to stay up for the whole broadcast. Anyhoo, I hate the look and I wish she would just go away.

Oh Glorious Day, Gabourey!

Her first time at the Academy Awards, and what does Gabourey Sidibe say to that uberwhite closeted homunculus Ryan Seacrest?

"If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot."

Mr. Bland was rather taken aback.

Oh. My. God. I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!

It's always Award Season or Fashion Week somewhere.

Last month I became totally overwhelmed by both the onslaught of awards shows (the SAG awards being broadcast before I was even half-way through kvetching about the Golden Globe's) and the arrival of Fashion Week month, and I decided to put aside blogging in favor of learning Italian with the help of Rosetta Stone and a book entitled Easy Italian. Rosetta Stone Italian Volume One covers shopping, and it has me learning to ask for the location of the hardware store. Hardware store? A woman shopping in Italy? Really? How about something more, um, realistic, for example: Voglio scarpe nuove. Dov'è il negozio di Gucci? (I want new shoes. Where is the Gucci store?) or Quanto costa il vestito Dolce e Gabbana? (How much does the Dolce & Gabbana dress cost?). Remarkably, Volume One doesn't cover food, but I'm sure I can learn how to say "I'd like a double chocolate gelato with whipped cream, please," before I touch down in Naples later this year.

Anyhoo, back to clothes. I actually watch the Independent Spirit Awards show because they're often very funny and I was expecting great things when I heard that Eddie Izzard was hosting. Unfortunately, Izzard chose to show up wearing the most boring men's clothing imaginable (I like the cross-dressing Izzard. When he shows up wearing a black jacket and jeans it's like he again was given the choice between cake, or death, and chose death. Cake, please.) And, unfortunately, unlike last year (was it last year? eh, they're all the same) when Mickey Rourke went looney on the podium, there were no wackadoodle speeches. There were, however, some interesting outfits. Accordingly, my independent opinion awards:

The Nominees for the Best in Basic Black are:

Carey Mulligan

Gabourey Sidibe

Johnny Weir

Tom Ford

The Fug Girls have really gone after Carey Mulligan because of her rather dowdy red carpet looks and, I believe, because she couldn't possibly look as good in real life as she did in her award-winning film, An Education. They may hate what she wore at the Spirit Awards because it features a couple of things they hate, to wit, transparent lace panels (boy howdy, remember Britney at the Grammy's?), and ornaments that point to the wearer's lady parts. But I like this look a lot. It's young, it's leather, it's perfect for the event. Good on you, Carey.

I share the Gabourey Sidibe love. She's so charming that even if her dress wasn't cool, she'd make it so. But the dress is cool -- check out the diagonal overlapping tiers on the skirt -- and also perfect for the event. She deserves the love.

Men should always wear black with a big helping of white. There's Johnny Weir being his fabulous self in what might possibly be the most fabulous white shirt EVAH. (Note to Olympic Judges: I don't give a flying quad about jumps; give awards for music and costumes already.)

And there's Tom Ford wearing the hell out of a classic black suit, but then, he's Tom Motherf*cking Ford. The day he doesn't look good is the day I lose my faith in style.

The Nominees for the Project Runway Challenge Awards are:

Mia Wasikowska

Mia's dress was the winner of the tissue and toilet paper challenge. The tights are the winner of the let's-make-thin-legs-look-stumpy challenge.

Dana Delany

Dana's dress is from the Sunday NYT Magazine and Mini Signal Flag challenge. Some poor schmuck got auf'd for this.

The Nominees for the Oh Honey, No, Even Black Won't Save These Award award are:

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Mariah Carey

Mena Suvari

Maggie and Mariah should have swapped dresses. Even in a scoop neck and side slit, Maggie would never look like she's trying too hard to be sexy, and Mariah has the stuff to hold up droopy draping. Instead, Maggie looks like a skinny boy playing Romans and Cartheginians (and losing), and Mariah looks desperate.

As for Mena -- WTF?!? just about covers it . . .

And still to come, THE OSCARS!!!!

Goodbye, Alexander McQueen

Not always pretty, but never boring.

Oops, I did it again!

Okay, so I still haven't bought a new sewing machine, or figured out what to do with the 100 or so vintage patterns I rescued from my parent's house, but I just must buy a fabulous vintage pattern when I see one, and this vintage Vogue Lanvin pattern is Faaab. U. Luxe.

I bought it from Paper Pursuits.com, which has for sale a simply spectacular collection of vintage patterns, among other fashion collectibles. Check out this Lanvin suit pattern. Or, OMG, this coat dress by Fabiani. That pattern is so sharp I got a paper cut just looking at it.

And one of these days I'll get that sewing machine. Really I will.

Golden Globes -- Close But No Cigar

Oh, to be just one shade of pink, one ornament, one ruffle, one dab of lipstick away from being perfect . . .

Drew Barrymore in Atelier Versace

Oh, Drew. One Swarovski crystal sea anemone would have been fine; two crystal sea anemones is an embelishment too far. It looks like she can't even let her right arm fall naturally because of that hip thingy. This could have been among my favorite looks (and even better if it were just one shade darker), but that one ornament ruined it. *sob!*

Jayma Mays in Badgley Mischka

This dress presents a classic case of the floating waistline: it's not Empire, and it certainly not natural. If those white bands had criss-crossed right at Jayma's natural waist, it would have been a sliming, natural look. This arrangement just makes her look stumpy.

Maggie Gyllenhall in Roland Mouret RM

On the first episode of Project Runway Season VII, a contestant almost got auf'd for lengthening a dress by attaching a hunk of fabric at the knee. The judges were offended by the knee seam. When I look at Maggie's dress -- which I otherwise could love -- I see that same dang seam. In other photos, you can see that the dress is lined to the knee, which indicates to me that it was originally intended to be just knee length. I wish it had been left that way.

Toni Collette in Elie Saab

Women of my mother's generation used to tell each other "Put a little lipstick on, you'll feel better!" Please, Toni, a little (darker) lipstick -- in that pale dress, the pale lipstick makes her look like a glittery vampire. With chapped lips.

Marion Cotillard in Dior

Love the color, hate the dress.

Nicole Kidman in Nina Ricci

Love the dress, hate the color. What is it with Nicole and the ultra pale? Is she trying to disappear? If so, she should consider a change of career.

Damn, I'm crabby.

Golden Globes -- They looked better on TV

Jane Lynch in Ali Rahimi

Elisabeth Moss

Jennifer Morrison in Luis Antonio

These three ladies were among the first to appear on the red carpet, i.e., before I had either points of reference or sucumbed to sensory overload, and when I saw them walking, wreathed with smiles and their dresses fluttering around them, I thought they looked divine. Jane Lynch, in particular, positively glowed, and I was surprised to see how a just a touch of lipstick transformed her from tough to terrific. And then I saw the still photos . . .

Jane's dress is olive green taffeta, a LOT of taffeta. Enough said. I still think she looks good, but she could look better. Jennifer's dress suffers from its blah color, and all those ruffles on the bodice make her look matronly. Elisabeth's dress drags her down instead of lifting her up, and unless you're Ru Paul, drag is not a good thing on the runway.

Some dresses look better when the wearer is moving, some look better when the wearer is posing. The red carpet, apparently, requires the latter. Better luck next year, ladies!

The Golden Globes -- Short and Sweet & Sour

The SAG Awards red carpet is almost upon us, and I haven't written anything about the GGs yet. But for any celeb who may read this blog (ha!) before dressing for the next show, here's a list of things I hope never to see on the red carpet again: asymmetry, over-sized shoulder ruffle/ornament/excrescences, ruffles, origami, knee-seams, pale colors on pale people, strapless and black. These restrictions would leave half the celebs on the red-carpet naked, but considering that some guests already prefer nudity, what the hey . . .

Meanwhile, here's Ginifer Goodwin in my favorite dress of the evening, one shoulder and all.

Ginifer Goodwin in Vionnet

The dress is fashionable and original without being extreme, and the color looks fabulous on her. The Golden Globes are supposed to be the "party" award, so cocktail looks seem much more appropriate than the huge ball gowns. Here, Ginifer's wearing the dress, it's not wearing her (Got that, Lea Michele?) Her high-contrast short doo frames her face perfectly. Interestingly, Ginifer's flattering look was mostly ignored by the fashion police, while her co-star Chloe Sevigny, who came dressed like my mother's ruffled criss-cross curtains, got tons of attention. I guess looking really good isn't enough.

Kristen Bell in Jasmine di Milo

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

I liked the cocktail dresses worn by Kristen Bell and Amy Adams, too. They looked like they got the message that they needed to dress up without trying too hard. Amy's dress has a great vintage vibe, which always gets a thumbs up from me, and her gold shoes are absolutely fab.

Then there were guests who looked like they didn't try at all.

Perrey Reeves in Herve Leger

Julia Roberts in vintage YSL

I like Perrey's dress, I just don't think it's appropriate for the event, especially not at knee length (should have been shorter or longer), and with those very work-day shoes. Julia's dress looks like something I would throw on to go to the monthly meeting of the Bankruptcy Bar Association, which isn't exactly a festive event. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know you're a big star Julia, now get over your damn self and go comb your hair.