Monday, January 24, 2011

The Real Housewives of Simplicity Patterns

Pattern envelopes often feature a sketch of the design and a photo of a model wearing the completed garment.  Often the model's garment is fabulously sewn and styled, yielding a final photo so gorgeous that the shopping sewer just must have that pattern, even though she knows, in her heart of hearts, that she couldn't produce anything as fabulous.  But that's not the case with Simplicity patterns in the 1960s and 1970s, nooo.  The garments in their pattern photos look like they were made up by home sewers who shopped for fabric at the local W.T. Grant's, and they're worn by dead-faced models or girls dragged out of the typing pool and thrust into wigs and polyester.  Or zombies.  Whatever, some of these photos are So Bad They're Good, and every picture tells a story.  So here's the cast of Bravo's newest mysogynistic epic: the Real Housewives of Simplicity Patterns.

Bootsie:  I have everything, and I want more.  I always say what I think, no matter what, and that's because I'm totally honest, not because I'm going through menopause.  Really, look at me, I'm 50-something and I'm still hot because I work out seven days a week and wear clothes that make my daughter cover her eyes in shame.  Ah, my daughter! We're so close she doesn't mind if I micromanage every minute of her life, and she WILL be a great actress.  Or maybe a supermodel, as long as she never looks better than I do.  Be sure to catch me on QVC where I'll be selling the Bootsie collection of really big sunglasses.

Bunny: I want more, so I can have everything.  I'm a strong, independent woman with a great career, which is a damn good thing because my husband, who rejoices in my independence in the hope that some day I'll return his balls, has been unemployed for two years.  But we're working on our marriage, when I'm not out with the girls, that is.  There's nothing I love like a girl's night out, preferably in another state.  Hey, it's not my fault that all my friends are married to domineering jerks.

Lady Baba:  I am everything, and I'll be more.  I'm not a housewife, I'm a divorced wife.  But you don't have to be married to a man to get his love and support, especially when you're in the adult entertainment industry.  When I'm not making sex tapes, I sing, give lectures on etiquette, demand apologies from everybody, and act as Bunny's protective best friend.  And if  Bootsie doesn't stop calling me a whore I'm going to snatch her bald headed.  From her knees up.

Bitsy: I got nothing, and I guess that's everything.  I'm the token broke,  overweight(comparatively), drug and/or alcohol-dependent doormat who always says the wrong thing and gets gang-bashed by the other hos, er, housewives.  Even though I'm dumb as a box o' rocks, I'm the only person with an ounce of human kindness on the show, and so I'm the least popular ho.  Housewife.

Balsey:  More is everything.  I'm different.  I'm the rich BRUNETTE bitch. 

Camille:  I'll cut a bitch.
And so life goes on, in the the Simplicity Pattern hills . . .

1 comment:

Joan said...

HILARIOUS! The pattern ladies always terrified me. Drawn or photo, it didn't matter. They were WAY scary. Now I know why.